12/14/2006

Masturbation for Christmas...


masturbation for Christmas, sure it seems like a silly idea, but there are few things you would enjoy more. Pocket pussys, fleshlights, dildo's and vibrators are all excellent gifts for friends and families. Everyone does it; even your grandmother and the parish priest.
This year is your chance to think outside the box, so instead of a lame tie or a new vacuum cleaner, try anal beads and penis pumps this year. There might be some uncomfortable silence at first but then I am sure the whole family will be applauding your thoughtfulness in no time.
You can take this to far; I never wanted these. This is the kind of gift that you can't return. It might even be illegal to sell this fine pair at a yard sale.
but there is always the chance that you really did want them and didn't know it. That's the joying of getting a gift. They might be more comfortable than you ever imagined. They are perky. Maybe you could put them on the dog.
Or maybe you will get the "Fatty Patty Doll", also being sold as the "Angry Mom Doll". Now this is something we can all use. I guess this would make a great gift. Think of all the fun things you could do with it, other than the obvious. It looks great on a tandem, and it doesn't complain as much as your usual stoker. You can keep your change in it or use it as a chubby coat rack.
Maybe you prefer the "Rack of Lamb"? This tasty/pasty white darling would be a terrific gift for all. Its not cheating if its an inflatable sheep. But the bright red bow does seem to strike a nerve, quit staring you perv. This particular doll is available in "sheep" or "piggy". That would be a hard decision to make, "piggy" has real bacon flavor. These are definitely the gift that keeps on giving.
Unfortunately if your a Mormon, these are all no-no's. You might even be in trouble just ready this. Keep your apostle buttoned up in your one-sy and move along freaky religious weirdo! Here are some tips approved by the Mormon church to help protect you from the evils of knuckling your piss pump (or guilding your own Lilly). These are out of order and only a small portion of the help available.

  1. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.
  2. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.
  3. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.
  4. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called_aversiontherapy_. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.

Wow, I feel really terrible now. Mark Twain gave a speech on the subject.

I will say one thing for sure, blow up dolls are funny. You can always find a way to bring out a smile with a blow up doll. The pocket pussy on the other hand is not near as funny. But would make a great gift anyway.

I can believe you read all this ... I hope you realize the pointlessness of it all now.

I win!!!

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