12/27/2007

Merry Christmas from the boys in blue...

 Bad boy, bad boy whatcha gonna do...

  Well I drove to work this morning, that is always a major mistake on my part but I was cold, tired and in a hurry. My flight had just landed a few hours before and I was spent from the holiday weekend.

  My route is pretty simple 37th to Nicollet, Nicollet to 31st, 31st to Hennipen, Hennipen to 28th and I am there. Short and sweet, what could go wrong?

  Well the first thing I noticed this morning was how snowy it is; the airport had given me a false sense of what to expect. So when I got to my car this morning (running 10min behind already) it was covered with fluffy white delay. I started 'er up and brushed off the snow in some key areas, just so I could start on my way.

  I engaged the 4 wheel drive so I could make it out of the driveway and down the alley, minus the engine noise the only other sound was the tires pushing through the heavy damp snow. It sounded just like the noise my pillow makes as I roll from one side to the other as if I were hiding from the light that put me where I am now.

  Pulling on to Nicollet and driving North is always a risk. The street was clear and everything was going great, the intersection at 35th was coming into view. Of course I am entering the danger zone now and true to form mishap number one happens. A gray van, turns on to Nicollet and into my lane. SO I am now driving down the street looking right into the dim yellow head lights of a beat up old gray "child molester" style van. The estimated closing speed was in the 50 to 60 mph range and something had to be done quick. *beep beep* and *blink blink* did the trick, the van corrected its course with a sudden jerk as if the driver just woke up. As he passed I could see the pale blue light of his keypad reflecting on his face.

 

  A little further down Nicollet a crapped out white Ford Tempo shopping cart was performing a 3 point turn encompassing the entire street. But at point two, the car stopped, the lights went out and the door open. The driver got out turned to the car as if to salute it with his keychain; the car returned the salute with a blink of its head lights and a beep of the horn. Let me be more clear on what happened here. The driver from the oncoming lane, put the car in reverse and backed in a giant arc till both his rear wheels were touching the curb on my side of the street, then he got out of the car, it was parked. WHAT THE FUCK is going on? His car is now sticking out into the lane of traffic and the driver disappeared into one of the local apartment buildings. This started a chain reaction of cars swerving into my lane to avoid hitting the ill placed tempo.

  One of the cars doing the swerving was a little blueish thing, that just popped in front of me without any signal. The problem here is he is doing 10mph! I want to make sure I mention the Nicollet has no snow or ice on it. There is now a blue obstacle in front of me and I am gaining on it at about 20mph, I down shift, now we are going just about 13mph. It is now obvious this is the speed this car is happy at and I can't go around because the Tempo is sticking out into my lane and I actually have to get pretty close to the center line to avoid hitting its home ground effects. Now I am 14min behind and things are looking grim.

  I am getting close to my turn onto 31st and I should be able to travel at normal speed there.

  As I get to 31st the blueish bane of my mornings existence starts to slow way down, for the last half of the block we were traveling at 3mph (that speed is a guess because my speedometer was actually showing zero). Then it crept through a turn onto 31st without ever using a turn signal (God Damnit). And now my fate is sealed, I will be following this car at an average speed of 9.68mph.

  This goes on till I reach Hennipen, the blue-ish peice of shit also provided such awesome conventions of inattentive driving as, stopping at each green light, prolonged safety check at each stop sign and the 1.5block slowdown for each redlight; hitting some of slow driving's greatest speeds such as 3mph, 6mph and the number one hit of 3.33215mph. Then I was finally able to get around the driver just one block before my turn onto 28th. (Now I am almost 20min behind schedule).

  So I turn onto 28th and I get ready to get out of the car and guess what happened! Red and blue lights flashing on me! That's right; the po po had blocked me in with all kinds of red and blue fireworks. So I roll down the window and wait for Mr. Policeman to come up and objectify me for some arbitrary reason. Finally he appears in my side view mirror; just as I mentally note the my wallet is still in my luggage at home.

  "Do you understand that you have the responsibility to make sure your license plate is clean of snow and ice sir?". WTF, I just drove through a minefield of terrible driving to get here and I get pulled over because my license plate is covered in snow!

  Let me say as a open letter to all law enforcement that working the beat to keep us safe:

  "Thank you for not giving me a ticket, that is very kind of you and your warning has hit home. I will make sure I have properly cleaned my license plate before I get in my vehicle each and every time I drive.

  Please do not take my politeness as a sign of respect. That was fear caused by the power and position you hold. You and yours do not currently get respect from me due to your poor performance. I do respect you as individuals that work for a living and do a job everyday. I respect that you put your life in danger to make me safer; I just don't think you do it very well. And I don't think that your intentions are good, some good might come out of your reach for power over everyday people but I think that is just a side affect.

  There are still drug deals that happen on my street regularly and violent crime is taking its toll on my neighborhood. But I know that anytime from now till the end of time you will be able to read the license number on my Red, 2000 Jeep Wrangler that is in very good shape and not in the least suspicious.

  I do not want to say that the Police in this area have become cowards, and I don't want to say that it is easier to pull me over for some bullshit reason on the pretty part of Hennipen avenue than to actually show a presence on some of the troubled streets less than a mile away. But I will call a spade a spade and the facts are the facts and I would be stupid to come up with another conclusion.

  Keep up the work!

B Rose

That sums up my morning drive.

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2 Comments:

Blogger andrew said...

i will be linking to this in my 'review of the coming apocalypse' edition of the global perspective
thanx and ....ah.... nothing, i can't say it here

12:54 PM  
Blogger iTod said...

first of all why and the hell do you take that route?

seems a bit out of the way don't ya think....

12:44 PM  

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